The purpose of this blog is to encourage those who are in recovery from addictive behaviors to seek help and to also encourage those who love them to find healing and hope as well. I will publish pieces I have written and others that I trust will prove helpful.
This first piece is a talk that was given at a chapel service at Minnesota and Teen Challenge on Nov. 21, 2012. I shared the story of our son Jonathan's (Jay's) chemical addiction, attempts at recovery and his death on March 12, 2010. It speaks to our families recovery as well, primarily my wife Linda's and my efforts to heal from our loss and to find healing and hope in our new reality.
Reflections on a Lost Son
Chapel Talk, Nov. 21, 2012
Minnesota Adult and Teen Challenge
I appreciate the opportunity to share some of my pain and some of my hope with you this morning. I come to you this morning, not as a preacher and not as a professional speaker, but simply as a father. A father of someone who looked a lot like many of you. Two and a half years ago our youngest son Jonathan was also in a recovery program. It was the fifth program for him and he had just been released from a hospital after suffering the most recent of several near death overdoses. Because of his relapse, he'd recently been kicked out of the school of his dreams, Duke University. He was depressed about leaving Duke, but also determined to get into another good school.
What he wasn't very excited about was another rehab program. The doctors had insisted on some type of treatment program as a condition of releasing him from the hospital. We pleaded for him to come back to Minnesota where we knew of several excellent programs. His drug counselor recommended he come back as did his older brother, who was teaching at Duke and was his closest friend and family member. He chose not to come back. He chose not to go into a residential program. And after three days in the non-residential program, he choose not to go again.Three days later he died.
I'm here this morning to honor Jonathan, but also to honor you. I honor you for caring enough about your life and about those who love you to be
here , to be serious about your need for help and healing. I hope to honor Jonathan by sharing some of his story. My hope is that you might hear something that you can relate to and that might prove helpful in your own journey of recovery. I wish he was here to share his own story and lessons learned with you, but I will have to rely on what I think he might say and what my own reflections suggest:
It is hard to know for sure when Jonathan's problems began. He had been a happy child, outgoing, fun loving, creative, enjoyed being with his family, his cousins and his friends. He enjoyed athletics, played football and tennis and was a big Vikings fan.
Chapel Talk, Nov. 21, 2012
Minnesota Adult and Teen Challenge
I appreciate the opportunity to share some of my pain and some of my hope with you this morning. I come to you this morning, not as a preacher and not as a professional speaker, but simply as a father. A father of someone who looked a lot like many of you. Two and a half years ago our youngest son Jonathan was also in a recovery program. It was the fifth program for him and he had just been released from a hospital after suffering the most recent of several near death overdoses. Because of his relapse, he'd recently been kicked out of the school of his dreams, Duke University. He was depressed about leaving Duke, but also determined to get into another good school.
What he wasn't very excited about was another rehab program. The doctors had insisted on some type of treatment program as a condition of releasing him from the hospital. We pleaded for him to come back to Minnesota where we knew of several excellent programs. His drug counselor recommended he come back as did his older brother, who was teaching at Duke and was his closest friend and family member. He chose not to come back. He chose not to go into a residential program. And after three days in the non-residential program, he choose not to go again.Three days later he died.
I'm here this morning to honor Jonathan, but also to honor you. I honor you for caring enough about your life and about those who love you to be
here , to be serious about your need for help and healing. I hope to honor Jonathan by sharing some of his story. My hope is that you might hear something that you can relate to and that might prove helpful in your own journey of recovery. I wish he was here to share his own story and lessons learned with you, but I will have to rely on what I think he might say and what my own reflections suggest:
It is hard to know for sure when Jonathan's problems began. He had been a happy child, outgoing, fun loving, creative, enjoyed being with his family, his cousins and his friends. He enjoyed athletics, played football and tennis and was a big Vikings fan.
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| Pal Scotty |
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| Early Days on Lake Superior |
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| Elementary School Football |
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| Family |
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| High school graduation with sister Erika and brother Justin |
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| Swinging with nephew Sky |
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| Almost twin cousin Kelsie |
Sometime in the middle school years, life began to get more difficult. He wanted to be an athlete and to be popular. Unfortunately, in spite of his interest in sports, particularly football, basketball and tennis, he wasn't a gifted athlete and failed to achieve the level of his aspirations. He made a real effort to become popular also, to be accepted by the “in group” of kids at school. At one point, early in a middle school year, he tried to sit with the in group of kids at their lunch table in the school cafeteria. There was one seat left at the table. Unfortunately there was another student who wanted to sit there also. The table of boys decided to have a vote. Jonathan lost. I don't think he ever recovered from that sense of being deeply rejected.
From that point on, he seemed to retreat into his own world. It seemed that he had given up on his search for popularity and decided, as an act of defensiveness and self protection, that he didn't need people, that he could entertain himself and find his own pleasures on the Internet and with mood changing chemicals. If people were going to reject him, then fine, he would reject them also. He would find his own ways to be happy and alcohol and drugs soon became the primary source of good feelings in his new world.
The hardest part of these changes were that he also began to reject my wife and I as parents. And in rejecting us, he rejected the most important part of our life, our faith in God, in Jesus and in some of the core values that flowed from our Christian commitment.
At one point, he wrote a very dark note to us in which he described himself as an insurgent in our own house. He asked us to stop treating him like a son and instead to treat him as a border who simply lived at our home. Only those of you who are parents can understand the pain and the fear that a note like this portends and the anguish it produces when hearing this from your own child.
Jonathan got to a point in high school and later reinforced in university where he wasn't sure if there was a God. He no longer believed there was anything or anyone that transcended our material world. This philosophy permeates much of academic life today. The tradgedy is that these ideas and belief systems have consequences.
From that point on, he seemed to retreat into his own world. It seemed that he had given up on his search for popularity and decided, as an act of defensiveness and self protection, that he didn't need people, that he could entertain himself and find his own pleasures on the Internet and with mood changing chemicals. If people were going to reject him, then fine, he would reject them also. He would find his own ways to be happy and alcohol and drugs soon became the primary source of good feelings in his new world.
The hardest part of these changes were that he also began to reject my wife and I as parents. And in rejecting us, he rejected the most important part of our life, our faith in God, in Jesus and in some of the core values that flowed from our Christian commitment.
At one point, he wrote a very dark note to us in which he described himself as an insurgent in our own house. He asked us to stop treating him like a son and instead to treat him as a border who simply lived at our home. Only those of you who are parents can understand the pain and the fear that a note like this portends and the anguish it produces when hearing this from your own child.
Jonathan got to a point in high school and later reinforced in university where he wasn't sure if there was a God. He no longer believed there was anything or anyone that transcended our material world. This philosophy permeates much of academic life today. The tradgedy is that these ideas and belief systems have consequences.
If you believe that life is nothing more than star dust and an accidental mixture of chemicals, then it makes perfect sense to use chemicals to enhance your life wherever possible. If you can feel better with certain chemicals, why not?
I think I could summarize Jonathan's problems in recovery by looking at his challenges with the first three steps of the Twelve Step Program. I know that you don't necessarily follow the Twelve Step program here at Minnesota Adult and Teen Challenge, but the treatment programs he attended did and no doubt you are familiar with the principles.
The Twelve Steps were originally developed out of an Evangelical Christian Fellowship Group in England called the Oxford Group. The group was an attempt to follow the life of Christ and his teachings found in the New Testament. Those who formed AA found their principles critical to the change required in recovering a life of sobriety and health.
Step One lays the foundation for all of the other steps.
1 We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.
The apostle Paul speaks to this problem in the book of Romans: He says:
“I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out”. For the good that I would do, I do not and the evil I do not want to do, that is what I do. Romans 7:18,19
What a powerful description of addiction!
It was very difficult for Jonathan to admit that he had a problem with drinking and drugs that was unmanageable. But even when he would occassionally try to stop using, the power of addiction overcame his self will.
Part of Jonathan's problem was that he was probably too much like his father. In my late teens and twenties I also had a lot of doubts about faith as well. I was independent to a fault, strong willed and somewhat rebellious. It took me several years and ultimately a lot of pain to begin a pilgrimage back to faith.
I think I could summarize Jonathan's problems in recovery by looking at his challenges with the first three steps of the Twelve Step Program. I know that you don't necessarily follow the Twelve Step program here at Minnesota Adult and Teen Challenge, but the treatment programs he attended did and no doubt you are familiar with the principles.
The Twelve Steps were originally developed out of an Evangelical Christian Fellowship Group in England called the Oxford Group. The group was an attempt to follow the life of Christ and his teachings found in the New Testament. Those who formed AA found their principles critical to the change required in recovering a life of sobriety and health.
Step One lays the foundation for all of the other steps.
1 We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.
The apostle Paul speaks to this problem in the book of Romans: He says:
“I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out”. For the good that I would do, I do not and the evil I do not want to do, that is what I do. Romans 7:18,19
What a powerful description of addiction!
It was very difficult for Jonathan to admit that he had a problem with drinking and drugs that was unmanageable. But even when he would occassionally try to stop using, the power of addiction overcame his self will.
Part of Jonathan's problem was that he was probably too much like his father. In my late teens and twenties I also had a lot of doubts about faith as well. I was independent to a fault, strong willed and somewhat rebellious. It took me several years and ultimately a lot of pain to begin a pilgrimage back to faith.
Remembering the doubts and wanderings in my own adolescence and early twenties helped me understand Jonathan to some degree, but the extremes of his behavior, especially his growing obsession with mood altering chemicals was something that went far beyond my own experience and comprehension. Unfortunately, I don't think that Jonathan ever became fully convinced that he needed to make any kind of fundamental change.
Step One of the Twelve steps also recognizes what I call the primary rule of healing:
If you are going to get well, you must truly want to get well.
This principle often makes me think of the paralytic man at the pool of Bethesda. He'd been sitting there by the healing waters for 38 years waiting for someone to help him get in the healing pool. The first thing Jesus asks him is “Do you want to get well”? At first glance, it seems like such a unnecessary question. Why would I be here if I didn't want to get well? Perhaps Jesus saw that he had become comfortable sitting by the pool. People took care of him, he had a community there, it might be scary out there is the world of healthy people. Who knows?
But one thing we do know is that in order to get well, one needs to truly want to get well. One needs to acknowledge that something is wrong, something is terribly unhealthy, something needs to dramatically change, fundamentally change, transformationally change.
Jonathan wasn't at all sure that he wanted that kind of change. He knew that drugs were dangerous, but they also produced some spectacular good feelings. Did he really want to give that up? Perhaps he could just try harder to find the perfect combination of maximum pleasure while minimizing the risk. Have you ever felt that way? Have you wondered if you really want to get well? It is an understandable question that only you can answer. What I've come to believe is that you wont get well, no matter how many treatment programs you go to unless you commit yourself, at the deepest part of your soul, to the priority that yes, I truly do want to get well and it is going to be the number one priority in my life.
Step One of the Twelve steps also recognizes what I call the primary rule of healing:
If you are going to get well, you must truly want to get well.
This principle often makes me think of the paralytic man at the pool of Bethesda. He'd been sitting there by the healing waters for 38 years waiting for someone to help him get in the healing pool. The first thing Jesus asks him is “Do you want to get well”? At first glance, it seems like such a unnecessary question. Why would I be here if I didn't want to get well? Perhaps Jesus saw that he had become comfortable sitting by the pool. People took care of him, he had a community there, it might be scary out there is the world of healthy people. Who knows?
But one thing we do know is that in order to get well, one needs to truly want to get well. One needs to acknowledge that something is wrong, something is terribly unhealthy, something needs to dramatically change, fundamentally change, transformationally change.
Jonathan wasn't at all sure that he wanted that kind of change. He knew that drugs were dangerous, but they also produced some spectacular good feelings. Did he really want to give that up? Perhaps he could just try harder to find the perfect combination of maximum pleasure while minimizing the risk. Have you ever felt that way? Have you wondered if you really want to get well? It is an understandable question that only you can answer. What I've come to believe is that you wont get well, no matter how many treatment programs you go to unless you commit yourself, at the deepest part of your soul, to the priority that yes, I truly do want to get well and it is going to be the number one priority in my life.
Jonathan was a very smart young man. He scored a perfect 800 on a Scholastic Aptitude Test. His teachers in high school told him that they had never seen someone his age with his talent for writing. He was a top student at Duke University.
But one of the problems with being smart is that you sometimes think you can outsmart the downside of alcohol and drugs. You can figure out how to get high without getting into too much trouble. Jonathan was an expert with drugs. He was his own pharmacologist. Other students would consult him at Duke with the right formulas for various types of highs. He went on lots of the web sites that share information on the newest drug combinations. It seems that a lot of young people who get addicted are very smart. They often feel they are smarter than their counselors and certainly smarter than those who have died from overdoses.
After four weeks in his first treatment program, Jonathan's counselors recommended that he go into extended care. He didn't want to go. I suspect that some of you weren't so sure you wanted to come here either. My wife and I disagreed as to whether to accept the counselor's recommendations. Jonathan knew how to exploit those differences.
His counselors had told us that he might need to hit bottom before he was willing to accept the need for more treatment. They also said that his bottom might be death. It was January in Minnesota and my wife envisioned him freezing to death in a snow bank if we insisted on extended care and he chose to run instead. So we brought him home. We hoped and prayed that he had learned his lessons and that he would soon be able to return to school. Two weeks later he relapsed in his own bedroom. The ambulance and police had to come and carry him out in a gurney. He screamed and swore at them and us the whole time they were carrying him out. It was one of many nightmarish traumas we experienced in our home. After a hospital stay, he went to an extended care program in Florida for four months.
But one of the problems with being smart is that you sometimes think you can outsmart the downside of alcohol and drugs. You can figure out how to get high without getting into too much trouble. Jonathan was an expert with drugs. He was his own pharmacologist. Other students would consult him at Duke with the right formulas for various types of highs. He went on lots of the web sites that share information on the newest drug combinations. It seems that a lot of young people who get addicted are very smart. They often feel they are smarter than their counselors and certainly smarter than those who have died from overdoses.
After four weeks in his first treatment program, Jonathan's counselors recommended that he go into extended care. He didn't want to go. I suspect that some of you weren't so sure you wanted to come here either. My wife and I disagreed as to whether to accept the counselor's recommendations. Jonathan knew how to exploit those differences.
His counselors had told us that he might need to hit bottom before he was willing to accept the need for more treatment. They also said that his bottom might be death. It was January in Minnesota and my wife envisioned him freezing to death in a snow bank if we insisted on extended care and he chose to run instead. So we brought him home. We hoped and prayed that he had learned his lessons and that he would soon be able to return to school. Two weeks later he relapsed in his own bedroom. The ambulance and police had to come and carry him out in a gurney. He screamed and swore at them and us the whole time they were carrying him out. It was one of many nightmarish traumas we experienced in our home. After a hospital stay, he went to an extended care program in Florida for four months.
One of the biggest sadnesses for my wife and I was realizing that Jonathan increasingly seemed to have given up on faith. We had dedicated him to the Lord when he was a baby and tried hard to introduce him to Christianity through attendance at church, Sunday School , Christian youth groups and our own examples. He knew we were serious Christians who prayed regularly and wanted our faith to inform and shape every part of our lives. His older sister Erika had been very involved in Christian youth groups and had gone on a number of mission trips during her highschool years. We had hoped that Jonathan would have similar interests, but were unsuccessful in getting him involved.
God seemed to be surround him with opportunities to experience a number of people of faith, however. Both his freshman and sophmore roommates were serious Christians and a serious girlfriend was a Christian also. From what we could see, however, and in spite of all these influences, it appeared that Jonathan largely rejected the spiritual dimension of life.
Part of his rejection, I know, was his rejection of me. This is one of the most difficult parts of my story. Jonathan was the last of our three children and he was the youngest by eleven years. It turned out that Jonathan was our most planned child and the one we had the most time to parent. We were doing better financially by the time he joined our family and I looked forward to spending a lot of time with him, playing sports, traveling and just hanging out together. I had done well in my business career and would soon retire early from the corporate world. I knew I would have more time with him than I had had for our other children.
One of the reasons I was looking forward to this new season of life was that I planned to volunteer my time starting and running a youth ministry. The ministry was focussed on the Christian mentoring of “at risk” kids. It was called Life Coaches for Kids and we partnered with churches and other Christian youth ministries to teach them the challenges that kids faced when they grew up without a loving father in the home. We believed that Christian ministries could help fill that void by providing an adult Christian friend and mentor for several years of a young person's life. Over fifteen years, over two thousand young people across five states and many more in India were mentored by men and women of faith who helped them navigate the rocky shores of growing up without a father.
It felt good to see how God seemed to be using this ministry to make a difference for a lot of troubled kids. It is hard to explain, however, how difficult it was, especially during the last few years of Jonathan's life, to be trying to run a youth ministry for at risk kids while knowing that I was losing my own troubled son to the darkness of addiction.
One of the lessons we learned in Al Anon was the importance of parents setting clear boundaries, for staying on the same page together and how to avoid becoming an enabler of self destructive behavior. It turned out that my personality and style made it easier for me to set these boundaries than it was for my wife. Jonathan, like most addicts, quickly learned how to exploit these differences and it produced some significant challenges for us as parents and in our marriage. Anyone who insists on boundaries quickly becomes the enemy to an addict. In our family, that was me and I quickly became the bad guy. For someone who deeply wanted a close relationship with his son, this was the most excruciating pain of all.
Part of his rejection, I know, was his rejection of me. This is one of the most difficult parts of my story. Jonathan was the last of our three children and he was the youngest by eleven years. It turned out that Jonathan was our most planned child and the one we had the most time to parent. We were doing better financially by the time he joined our family and I looked forward to spending a lot of time with him, playing sports, traveling and just hanging out together. I had done well in my business career and would soon retire early from the corporate world. I knew I would have more time with him than I had had for our other children.
One of the reasons I was looking forward to this new season of life was that I planned to volunteer my time starting and running a youth ministry. The ministry was focussed on the Christian mentoring of “at risk” kids. It was called Life Coaches for Kids and we partnered with churches and other Christian youth ministries to teach them the challenges that kids faced when they grew up without a loving father in the home. We believed that Christian ministries could help fill that void by providing an adult Christian friend and mentor for several years of a young person's life. Over fifteen years, over two thousand young people across five states and many more in India were mentored by men and women of faith who helped them navigate the rocky shores of growing up without a father.
It felt good to see how God seemed to be using this ministry to make a difference for a lot of troubled kids. It is hard to explain, however, how difficult it was, especially during the last few years of Jonathan's life, to be trying to run a youth ministry for at risk kids while knowing that I was losing my own troubled son to the darkness of addiction.
One of the lessons we learned in Al Anon was the importance of parents setting clear boundaries, for staying on the same page together and how to avoid becoming an enabler of self destructive behavior. It turned out that my personality and style made it easier for me to set these boundaries than it was for my wife. Jonathan, like most addicts, quickly learned how to exploit these differences and it produced some significant challenges for us as parents and in our marriage. Anyone who insists on boundaries quickly becomes the enemy to an addict. In our family, that was me and I quickly became the bad guy. For someone who deeply wanted a close relationship with his son, this was the most excruciating pain of all.
On one occasion we were visiting Jonathan at Parents Weekend during his freshman year at Duke. We had become aware of his continuing drinking and drug use and I knew that he needed to get some help on campus if he was going to make it. I stayed behind after my wife left for home to see if I could find a chemical dependency counselor that Jonathan could meet with regularly. I found someone who I felt could be helpful. Later that evening I met with Jonathan over coffee to discuss my conviction that he needed to see a counselor on a regular basis. I told him that we felt his health and life depended on getting this support and that as parents we would only continue to support his schooling financially if he agreed to participate. Unfortunately, I now believe that he had been using drugs the night we spoke. He was in no mood to hear of my concerns or my counsel. As I dropped him off that evening he vowed, in anger, to destroy my marriage, my family and my ministry. The memory of that night and the attempts he made later to carry out his threats will be forever seared in my great sadness.
I know that much of his anger came as a result of the disease of chemical dependency. I have tried hard to forgive him for this and for all of the pain and suffering he caused our family. I know that if God can forgive me for my times of disobedience and rejection, then he can also forgive Jonathan and I can forgive Jonathan also.
We had a whole protocol set up for him at Duke. Weekly visits to a counselor with drug tests, bi-weekly psychiatric visits, weekly 12 step meetings, random UA's and a case manager monitoring his recovery program. He even had a caring and sympathetic RA in his dorm, but none of this was enough. He'd learned how to fake his UA tests and even his expert counselors seemed unable to truly help him. His nationally known psychiatrist told us that he was one of the most difficult patients he had ever worked with and gave him a chance of survival of only 25 percent.
I know that much of his anger came as a result of the disease of chemical dependency. I have tried hard to forgive him for this and for all of the pain and suffering he caused our family. I know that if God can forgive me for my times of disobedience and rejection, then he can also forgive Jonathan and I can forgive Jonathan also.
We had a whole protocol set up for him at Duke. Weekly visits to a counselor with drug tests, bi-weekly psychiatric visits, weekly 12 step meetings, random UA's and a case manager monitoring his recovery program. He even had a caring and sympathetic RA in his dorm, but none of this was enough. He'd learned how to fake his UA tests and even his expert counselors seemed unable to truly help him. His nationally known psychiatrist told us that he was one of the most difficult patients he had ever worked with and gave him a chance of survival of only 25 percent.
In spite of his anger and rejection towards me, I still knew that, while I always didn't like him very much, that I would die for him if I thought it would make him well. This love of a parent towards their child, in spite of the child's rejection, helped me understand how God himself could give his own Son to die for all of us who also reject Him as our heavenly father.
The second step in the Twelve Steps says that:
We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
For a Christian, of course, that Power is God.
Paul says, “For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose”.Philippians 2:13
We would sometimes go to AA meetings as well as Al Anon. I actually liked the AA or NA meetings better than Al Anon, because I loved to hear the success stories. I've never heard a recovering alcoholic or addict share their story that didn't speak of a strong spiritual dimension to their healing. These stories gave me hope that someday, Jonathan might discover the reality of the spiritual dimension in life and that he would begin a journey to recovery as well.
Jonathan struggled with the whole disease theory of addiction. So did I actually. It wasn't until I began to see that addiction was a holistic disease that affected the body, mind and spirit that I could understand why speaking of addiction as a disease made sense. I have come to believe that it is the spiritual dimension of recovery that is the most critical to getting well. Jonathan could buy the notion of physical health and even mental health, but spiritual health was not something he could easily relate to. I think it was one of the single biggest reasons he is not with us today.
The third step in the Twelve Steps is:
We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.
The apostle Paul puts it this way. “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship”.Romans 12:1
The second step in the Twelve Steps says that:
We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
For a Christian, of course, that Power is God.
Paul says, “For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose”.Philippians 2:13
We would sometimes go to AA meetings as well as Al Anon. I actually liked the AA or NA meetings better than Al Anon, because I loved to hear the success stories. I've never heard a recovering alcoholic or addict share their story that didn't speak of a strong spiritual dimension to their healing. These stories gave me hope that someday, Jonathan might discover the reality of the spiritual dimension in life and that he would begin a journey to recovery as well.
Jonathan struggled with the whole disease theory of addiction. So did I actually. It wasn't until I began to see that addiction was a holistic disease that affected the body, mind and spirit that I could understand why speaking of addiction as a disease made sense. I have come to believe that it is the spiritual dimension of recovery that is the most critical to getting well. Jonathan could buy the notion of physical health and even mental health, but spiritual health was not something he could easily relate to. I think it was one of the single biggest reasons he is not with us today.
The third step in the Twelve Steps is:
We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.
The apostle Paul puts it this way. “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship”.Romans 12:1
The Bible tells us that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit.
What a mysterious and incredible statement. If we truly believe that, what we put into our bodies is incredibly important.
This is a picture of Jonathan and his mother, my wife, Linda. Linda is one of the most loving and caring people you could ever meet and most of the time,she and Jonathan had a close relationship. There is probably not a day that Linda doesn't grieve over the loss of her precious son. Great love can often precede great sorrow.
I used to think that children, who grew up in healthy families, whose parents loved each other and loved them, had a strong faith and good values and who then went to good schools and had good physical health were probably going to fare pretty well in life. Some of you probably have parents like us. They are a little shocked that you have problems with alcohol or drugs and they are no doubt hopeful like we were that you will soon recover and get through this stage so that you all can get back to normal.What we learned is that life never returns to normal. Once the disease of addiction enters a family, it really becomes a family disease and life is forever changed. Our daughter Erika and her family, our son Justin and his wife, Jonathan's cousins, many friends; all of us have been forever altered by Jonathan's addiction and death.
What a mysterious and incredible statement. If we truly believe that, what we put into our bodies is incredibly important.
This is a picture of Jonathan and his mother, my wife, Linda. Linda is one of the most loving and caring people you could ever meet and most of the time,she and Jonathan had a close relationship. There is probably not a day that Linda doesn't grieve over the loss of her precious son. Great love can often precede great sorrow.
I used to think that children, who grew up in healthy families, whose parents loved each other and loved them, had a strong faith and good values and who then went to good schools and had good physical health were probably going to fare pretty well in life. Some of you probably have parents like us. They are a little shocked that you have problems with alcohol or drugs and they are no doubt hopeful like we were that you will soon recover and get through this stage so that you all can get back to normal.What we learned is that life never returns to normal. Once the disease of addiction enters a family, it really becomes a family disease and life is forever changed. Our daughter Erika and her family, our son Justin and his wife, Jonathan's cousins, many friends; all of us have been forever altered by Jonathan's addiction and death.
Some of the best conversations we had with Jonathan were during family week at the several treatment programs he went through. One of the reasons they were so good, of course, was that he was sober.There were times when he took full responsibility for his behavior, told us that he felt we were good parents and not the cause of his problems. He admitted stealing money from us and other worrisome behaviors that we had been unaware of.
Sadly, those few times of sanity and periods of sobriety never lasted for very long. During his extended care program in Florida, Jonathan was very eager to get back to University. The program administrators did not think he was ready yet to go back to school, but Jonathan convinced us that he was ready and that the administrators were simply being overly conservative and in some cases downright nasty. We allowed him to come back to Minnesota and then to re-enroll at Duke.
During that summer he lived in a sober home in St. Paul and participated in another recovery program. We thought he was making progress and at the end of the summer invited him to go with us to Eastern Ontario to celebrate my mother's 90th birthday. At the end of the weekend, he took some GBL, had an overdose and needed to be hospitalized for ten days. It was an horrific experience. I will never forget seeing him writhing on the gurney, sweating profusely, shackled and mostly naked and screaming for hours while they tried various drugs to calm him down and keep him alive. Finally they were able to transfer him to a better equipped hospital and then into another psychiatric ward. After a week or so we brought him back to Minnesota and he entered the another treatment program.
We knew that Jonathan was not ready to go back to Duke and pleaded with him to check out a special college program for addicted students instead. We would pay for everything and give him money for graduate school if he was successful. He refused. He was certain that he was ready to return to Duke and that school we wanted him to attend was not a prestigious enough institution. Unfortunately, he was able to talk the Duke administration into giving him a full scholarship. He now considered himself emancipated and therefore no longer under the protocols for recovery we had set up. Back to Duke he went in the winter of 2010. He lasted two weeks before his next relapse.
Sadly, those few times of sanity and periods of sobriety never lasted for very long. During his extended care program in Florida, Jonathan was very eager to get back to University. The program administrators did not think he was ready yet to go back to school, but Jonathan convinced us that he was ready and that the administrators were simply being overly conservative and in some cases downright nasty. We allowed him to come back to Minnesota and then to re-enroll at Duke.
During that summer he lived in a sober home in St. Paul and participated in another recovery program. We thought he was making progress and at the end of the summer invited him to go with us to Eastern Ontario to celebrate my mother's 90th birthday. At the end of the weekend, he took some GBL, had an overdose and needed to be hospitalized for ten days. It was an horrific experience. I will never forget seeing him writhing on the gurney, sweating profusely, shackled and mostly naked and screaming for hours while they tried various drugs to calm him down and keep him alive. Finally they were able to transfer him to a better equipped hospital and then into another psychiatric ward. After a week or so we brought him back to Minnesota and he entered the another treatment program.
We knew that Jonathan was not ready to go back to Duke and pleaded with him to check out a special college program for addicted students instead. We would pay for everything and give him money for graduate school if he was successful. He refused. He was certain that he was ready to return to Duke and that school we wanted him to attend was not a prestigious enough institution. Unfortunately, he was able to talk the Duke administration into giving him a full scholarship. He now considered himself emancipated and therefore no longer under the protocols for recovery we had set up. Back to Duke he went in the winter of 2010. He lasted two weeks before his next relapse.
In February, Jonathan found himself out of school and living in an apartment in Chapel Hill, NC. He had a mandate from Duke that he not come back for a minimum of two years. Within a few weeks, he relapsed again. While recovering in a Duke hospital, he refused our pleas to come back to Minnesota and to enter a residential recovery program. He decided instead and against his counselor's recommendations to go to a three week non-residential program in Chapel Hill. He felt confident he could transfer to another college for two years and then return to Duke for graduation.
Our oldest son Justin was very close to Jonathan and taught philosophy at Duke. Justin looked in on Jonathan regularly and drove him to his treatment program the first three days. On the fourth day he felt that if Jonathan was serious about his recovery he should take the initiative to get to the program himself. It was only 1 1/2 miles from his apartment and a simple bus ride. Jonathan decided not to go that day and decided to purchase some oxycontin and oxymorphone drugs instead. On March 14 Justin was called by the women who were subleasing their apartment room to Jonathan. It was 11:00 AM and his alarm was going off and they couldn't get into the room to wake him up. Soon the police arrived to help Justin open his bedroom door. Justin heard the words, DOA. He entered the room to see his beloved brother still sitting up in bed with his laptop on his legs. Under the influence of the opiate drugs, he had fallen asleep, experienced respiratory failure and would never breath again.
The last thing Jonathan had written in his journal was the following:
“Went to group today but I am still an active alcoholic. I had a good visit with Justin and was able to submit my high school transcript requests for all of the 10 different colleges I am applying to. Ran 3 miles yesterday but did not engage in any physical activity today. (Regular medications include Selegiline (10mg) and Wellbutrin (300mg) in the morning and trazadone (100mg) and melatonin (3mg) at night.) One of my goals right now is to reduce my weight (230 lbs) and increase physical fitness. O have ordered oxycontin in the mail and will probably receive them by this weekend. I am trying not to justify my continuing relapses and active abuse due to situational depression, and I realize that I need to take care of myself and my sobriety at all costs for the rest of my life. However, the philosopher in me asserts that nothing is right and nnothing is wrong so what iw th3 moral fondration of dontacting mt r3fi3f3r aqwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”
Our oldest son Justin was very close to Jonathan and taught philosophy at Duke. Justin looked in on Jonathan regularly and drove him to his treatment program the first three days. On the fourth day he felt that if Jonathan was serious about his recovery he should take the initiative to get to the program himself. It was only 1 1/2 miles from his apartment and a simple bus ride. Jonathan decided not to go that day and decided to purchase some oxycontin and oxymorphone drugs instead. On March 14 Justin was called by the women who were subleasing their apartment room to Jonathan. It was 11:00 AM and his alarm was going off and they couldn't get into the room to wake him up. Soon the police arrived to help Justin open his bedroom door. Justin heard the words, DOA. He entered the room to see his beloved brother still sitting up in bed with his laptop on his legs. Under the influence of the opiate drugs, he had fallen asleep, experienced respiratory failure and would never breath again.
The last thing Jonathan had written in his journal was the following:
“Went to group today but I am still an active alcoholic. I had a good visit with Justin and was able to submit my high school transcript requests for all of the 10 different colleges I am applying to. Ran 3 miles yesterday but did not engage in any physical activity today. (Regular medications include Selegiline (10mg) and Wellbutrin (300mg) in the morning and trazadone (100mg) and melatonin (3mg) at night.) One of my goals right now is to reduce my weight (230 lbs) and increase physical fitness. O have ordered oxycontin in the mail and will probably receive them by this weekend. I am trying not to justify my continuing relapses and active abuse due to situational depression, and I realize that I need to take care of myself and my sobriety at all costs for the rest of my life. However, the philosopher in me asserts that nothing is right and nnothing is wrong so what iw th3 moral fondration of dontacting mt r3fi3f3r aqwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”
The effects of whatever drug he was on the night of this writing was quickly putting him to sleep. With his finger falling on the letter r, Jonathan, our excellent writer son, concluded the last thing he ever wrote.
Jonathan clearly recognized at the end of his life that he was an alcoholic and addict. Part of him even recognized that his sobriety and health should be the most important priorities in his life. Yet even as he wrote these thoughts, the opiate drugs he had ordered were being delivered to his door. Three days later he would take them, would fall asleep and never wake again.
It is impossible to describe the impact of his death on our family. My wife Linda and I were in church that Sunday, March 14, in Marco Island, Florida. The pastor spoke on the story of the Prodigal Son. You may know the story... The pastor focussed on the joy and celebration of the father when the son returns home after living out his prodigal ways. I wondered if I would ever get to experience that father's joy. After the service we went to lunch with Linda's mother, Jonathan's then 84 year old grandmother. While we were waiting to be served I got the phone call from our son Justin. We have never been the same since.
It has been two and one half years since lost our lost son. And while the grief is generally less intense now, at times it still feels as raw as ever. In preparing for this talk, I have asked myself what have we learned be from this tragic experience?
Here is what has come to me:
1. Mind altering drugs and abusive use of alcohol invariably leads to self seeking behavior. The addicted person becomes narcissistic and focused only on their own needs and pleasures. This kind of self seeking obsessive behavior can quickly lead to the denial of a need for God. Because of the drugs ability to create incredibly euphoric feelings and because of their addictive power, mind altering chemicals can also replace a concern for others. Life becomes all about you and anything that gets on the way becomes the enemy.
I think that in the war between good and evil that goes on in the universe and in every one of our heart's, addiction is the dark side's most powerful weapon.
Some have called this “the hole in the soul”. We all have a hole in our soul that that only God can fill. The philosopher Pascal called this a “God shaped vacuum”. He wrote: “There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus”. If God is not allowed to fill that hole, then the vacuum tries to find an alternative. But sadly, there is no healthy alternative. The hole only gets larger as alternatives like mind altering chemicals eat away at the core of one's heart and being.
2.We are all vulnerable to addiction. All of us are born with a tendency towards an addiction to self. It is the desire to put ourselves first, to please ourselves, even at the expense of others and even at the expense of hurting our relationship with God. The bible calls this addiction to self, sin. These addictions take different forms. Some are alcohol or drug addictions. Others are addictions to money or sex or food or fame. I have this addiction. You have this addiction. We are all vulnerable and all in need of healing.
3. While there are many approaches to the treatment of addiction, treatment that works long term requires a fundamental transformation of our hearts. We must move from a focus on serving self to serving God and others. That is the most fundamental and radical change any of us can ever make. It requires a kind of heart transplant. Jesus came to make that change possible. Turning our lives over to Him allows him to give us a new heart, a heart healed from our deepest addictions to self and one that is equipped to love God and to love others. It is only when we are committed to loving God and others that we can be the persons he designed us to be.
The good news is that our deepest hurts can also fuel our deepest healing. Our hurts can also guide us into God's plan and purpose for our lives. The pain you and I have experienced in our deepest failings can be the exact energy that God can transform into helping others with similar kinds of brokenness.
Some have called this “the hole in the soul”. We all have a hole in our soul that that only God can fill. The philosopher Pascal called this a “God shaped vacuum”. He wrote: “There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus”. If God is not allowed to fill that hole, then the vacuum tries to find an alternative. But sadly, there is no healthy alternative. The hole only gets larger as alternatives like mind altering chemicals eat away at the core of one's heart and being.
2.We are all vulnerable to addiction. All of us are born with a tendency towards an addiction to self. It is the desire to put ourselves first, to please ourselves, even at the expense of others and even at the expense of hurting our relationship with God. The bible calls this addiction to self, sin. These addictions take different forms. Some are alcohol or drug addictions. Others are addictions to money or sex or food or fame. I have this addiction. You have this addiction. We are all vulnerable and all in need of healing.
3. While there are many approaches to the treatment of addiction, treatment that works long term requires a fundamental transformation of our hearts. We must move from a focus on serving self to serving God and others. That is the most fundamental and radical change any of us can ever make. It requires a kind of heart transplant. Jesus came to make that change possible. Turning our lives over to Him allows him to give us a new heart, a heart healed from our deepest addictions to self and one that is equipped to love God and to love others. It is only when we are committed to loving God and others that we can be the persons he designed us to be.
The good news is that our deepest hurts can also fuel our deepest healing. Our hurts can also guide us into God's plan and purpose for our lives. The pain you and I have experienced in our deepest failings can be the exact energy that God can transform into helping others with similar kinds of brokenness.
Our loss is leading my wife and I in directions we had never imagined. She is now leading the grief ministry at our church, something I couldn't imagine myself doing. She has an ability to connect with people who have had tragic losses in their own lives and she has never felt more in the center of God's will. I feel drawn to helping people like Jonathan, to sharing his story with those who might find their way to faith and healing and hope.
And that's why I am here this morning. I hope and pray that Jonathan's story might help you. When I look into your faces I see my son. Over 40,000 people will die of a drug or acohol overdose this year. I hope and pray that you will not be one of them. I pray that your parents get to see you for many years to come, that they see you committed to recovery, to health, to becoming all that God created you to be.
Finally, I want you to know that committing yourself to sobriety and recovery is not just for you. It is for everyone who loves you. Apart from God himself, no one loves you more than your parents and other members of your family. Your family and especially your parents or spouse will be in agony every day until it is clear that you are dead serious about recovery and are doing everything possible to let God transform your life.
Sometime after Jonathan's death, my wife and I were sitting in church on a Sunday morning when during a hymn, the large projection screen showed a picture of a young man sitting with Jesus. He was intently listening to every word Christ was saying. We were awe struck at how much the young man looked like Jonathan.
And that's why I am here this morning. I hope and pray that Jonathan's story might help you. When I look into your faces I see my son. Over 40,000 people will die of a drug or acohol overdose this year. I hope and pray that you will not be one of them. I pray that your parents get to see you for many years to come, that they see you committed to recovery, to health, to becoming all that God created you to be.
Finally, I want you to know that committing yourself to sobriety and recovery is not just for you. It is for everyone who loves you. Apart from God himself, no one loves you more than your parents and other members of your family. Your family and especially your parents or spouse will be in agony every day until it is clear that you are dead serious about recovery and are doing everything possible to let God transform your life.
Sometime after Jonathan's death, my wife and I were sitting in church on a Sunday morning when during a hymn, the large projection screen showed a picture of a young man sitting with Jesus. He was intently listening to every word Christ was saying. We were awe struck at how much the young man looked like Jonathan.
My mother reported how at the night of his death, she had a kind of vison where Jonathan had seen Jesus and she was convinced that he was now safely in his loving arms. There were a number of other experiences that came to assure us of the incredible grace and mercy of our heavenly Father and persuade us, that even after his prodigal years, that ultimately Jonathan experienced the embrace of his heavenly Father.
This morning, perhaps you can see yourself sitting on that bench somewhere in a conversation with Jesus. Jesus is asking you to lay your burdens down and to talk with Him awhile. You are willing to listen. This morning you are hearing his voice in a new way. He understands your problems like no one else ever could. He is telling you that he forgives you for everything you have ever done. He is telling you how much He loves you and that He desires to be in deep fellowship with you. He is reminding you that he is the creator of the universe, that he planned your life long before you were ever born, that He has a purpose for you that only you can fulfill.
He is asking if you want to get well. Are you ready to turn your life over to Him, to follow Him, to become his disciple?
I pray that, if you haven't already done so, that you say yes to God's offer to you this morning and will continue to say yes every day for the rest of your life. Say yes for God's sake. Say yes for your sake. Say yes for the sake of everyone who cares about you. And say yes for your family's sake. For no one this side of heaven cares more about you getting well.
May God bless each of you.
This morning, perhaps you can see yourself sitting on that bench somewhere in a conversation with Jesus. Jesus is asking you to lay your burdens down and to talk with Him awhile. You are willing to listen. This morning you are hearing his voice in a new way. He understands your problems like no one else ever could. He is telling you that he forgives you for everything you have ever done. He is telling you how much He loves you and that He desires to be in deep fellowship with you. He is reminding you that he is the creator of the universe, that he planned your life long before you were ever born, that He has a purpose for you that only you can fulfill.
He is asking if you want to get well. Are you ready to turn your life over to Him, to follow Him, to become his disciple?
I pray that, if you haven't already done so, that you say yes to God's offer to you this morning and will continue to say yes every day for the rest of your life. Say yes for God's sake. Say yes for your sake. Say yes for the sake of everyone who cares about you. And say yes for your family's sake. For no one this side of heaven cares more about you getting well.
May God bless each of you.
